We’ve been waiting for Vanity Fair‘s rumored “takedown” of Gwyneth Paltrow for what feels like years now. Supposedly, the rumored article will discuss a number of topics, including why she’s so unlikeable, and—according to sources—her alleged affair with Miami billionaire Jeff Soffer. 

We may never know any of this, as Gwyneth has supposedly been working overtime to make sure the story never makes it to print, asking friends and associates to refrain from making any comments and requesting that they boycott the annual Vanity Fair Oscar party, thrown by the magazine’s venerable and highly influential editor-in-chief Graydon Carter.  Then a counter story appeared, saying that Gwyneth actually thought the entire thing was quite a lark, and that she’d never asked her friends to boycott anything.  

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Despite rumors that the piece would materialize in the magazine’s November issue, it didn’t. And then when it failed to show up in the December issue (which features “American Hustle” star Amy Adams on its cover), we began thinking that perhaps the story really had been killed.

Which has us wondering just might have happened to that VF piece. So we’ve come up with 5 theories of our own. Read on!

1. Gwyneth Paltrow offered to name her next kid Graydon.
Having already given her first two children whimsical names—Apple and Moses—Gwyneth bartered up the naming rights to her third child in exchange for killing the story.

MORE: Gwyneth Joins Instagram! See Her First Pic

2. Gwyneth  had Mario Batali threaten to ban Graydon Carter from all of his restaurants.
Gwynnie and Batali go way back—they filmed “Spain … On The Road Again” together a few years ago, and have been buddies ever since. In fact, Batali always has the nicest things to say about the Oscar-winning actress. “Anybody who gets called the most perfect person in the world is going to take a little heat,” he told OMG! Insider. “But at the end of the day, she’s very much like you and I. She likes delicious food, she watches out for her family. She takes care of herself as best she can and it’s a great thing.”

Batali and Paltrow are totally BFFs, so perhaps she had the celebrity chef issue a fatwa against Graydon, and ban him from eating at Babbo, Del Posto, Lupa, or any of the other dozen or so New York hotspots he owns. The horror!

3. Chris Martin piped in an endless repeating track of Coldplay’s “Yellow” into the Vanity Fair offices until Carter canned the article.
After about a dozen listens, you’d probably start to do whatever Gwyneth wanted you to do, too.

MORE: Of Course She Did: Gwyneth Designed an $845 Sweatshirt for Goop

4. She sent buddy Robert Downey Jr. in to scare him straight.
RDJ has been in and out of more rehabs than we have fingers and toes, and has probably dealt with some fairly unsavory characters in his time. If his performances in “Less Than Zero” and “Tropic Thunder” are any indication, Downey Jr. is a little bit of  a loose cannon — and that could work to Paltrow’s advantage when it comes to bargaining with Vanity Fair. Or even more terrifying — maybe Gwen sent ripped trainer Tracy Anderson over.

5. She offered to gift him stuff from the Goop holiday gift guide.
Because even though Graydon Carter is, ostensibly, very rich, that sh-t is expensive. 

Why do you think Vanity Fair’s alleged takedown story on Paltrow never saw the light of day? Weigh in below!