14 Rules for Being Friends With Benefits, According to Therapists & Sexperts

Cuffing season has passed, but I’m here to talk about my favorite kind of situationship: the age-old friend with benefits. Listen, we’ve all been there, and there’s no shame in it! Let’s be honest, having a friends with benefits can be incredibly convenient—all the fun, none of the planning-your-future-together? Sounds good to me. That said, there are friends with benefits rules that need to be followed strictly so as to ensure your FWB relationship thrives. The Dos and Don’ts of hooking up with a friend are many, and I’ve taken the liberty of listing them below.

What’s not to love about the idea having no-strings-attached sex with someone you like and respect, but don’t necessarily want a future with? Still, friends with benefits can be tricky if you two aren’t setting ground rules. Are you allowed to tell other people you’re hooking up, or is it meant to be kept secret? Is it acceptable practice to cancel a FWB hookup in favor of a real date that night instead, or will this cause problems? Perhaps most importantly, what happens if one friend starts catching feelings for the other? How should one address it? When the lines start blurring, things can get messy, and your fun, friendly hookup becomes just another source of drama.

To avoid confusion, awkwardness and disappointments, we asked a few sexperts and therapists to share their wisdom. Of course, every situation is different, but these are some hard and fast rules you might want to pay attention to before getting in too deep with a friend.

1. Choose Someone Honest

You need to make sure that you two are open about everything, as both of you need to be on the same page in case either of you start developing feelings for the other. Same thing goes if one person wants to end it. According to Dr. Molly Burrets, a clinical psychologist specializing in couples therapy, a FWB relationship should have a foundation built on the “five C’s”–Communication, Care, Consideration, Consent, and Clarity. “The most important initial step is to collaboratively and intentionally discuss the relationship’s boundaries and expectations,” she says. “Both partners have to be clear with themselves and up front with the other about their needs and what they’re hoping to experience in the relationship.”

2. Speak Your (Sex) Mind

The main point of having a FWB is to have amazing, satisfying sex, no? Be vocal about what you like and what you don’t like—and encourage your partner to do the same. You never have to try anything you don’t feel comfortable with, of course, but let one another know what you’re into and see if you have a shared sexual fantasy you can finally live out.

3. Ensure You’re Emotionally Ready

Casual sex can be anything but casual if you aren’t emotionally prepared. Some people are able to disassociate the act from the emotion, but others struggle with this, and that’s okay. “The biology supports this,” explains Dr. Burrets. “During and after sex, a hormone called oxytocin is secreted. This hormone is responsible for helping people feel bonded, and it’s the same hormone that is secreted in a mother and her baby during breastfeeding. Oxytocin is nature’s way of helping us stay connected, and it’s very common to feel more attached to a partner after sex, even when the intention is to remain emotionally detached.” A lot of us are programmed to feel a connection after we sleep with someone, so you need to make sure you’re 100 percent okay with having sex that won’t lead to anything deeper.

4.  Practice Safe Sex—Always

Condoms! Are! Lifesavers! Not only do they prevent you from having little babies with a partner you’re not interested in long-term, but they also make sure you stay STD-free, which is key when you’re having sex with someone you’re not monogamous with. You do not want to risk messing up what should be a good time for all.

5. Set Your Boundaries

Even if you decide your FWB relationship is casual, you’ll want to make sure your partner is on the same page, too. At the very least, you should establish a few boundaries about things like communication and meeting up. According to Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, a Kinsey-certified sexologist, and tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University Fullerton, a FWB dynamic could greatly benefit just by discussing a few things:

• Communication Boundaries: How much would you like to communicate, through which platform or method, what topics can be talked about, and what topics are outside of boundaries?
• Meetup Boundaries: How often do we meetup, can we stay overnight, how long does each meetup take, and what is expected during our meetups?

6. Don’t Have Sleepovers

Speaking of boundaries, this is a big one. Having sleepovers confuses things. You want to keep yourself from getting emotionally attached, so sleeping next to your FWB—and walking up next to them—is extremely intimate. Say goodnight, take a shower, and get into bed feeling relaxed, satisfied, and totally comfortable with the fact that they went home.

7. Don’t Cuddle

I mean, if you two have an agreement that cuddling is on the table, then snuggle up. Otherwise, try to refrain. Cuddling encourages intimacy, which is a no-no with your FWB. You want to keep things simple, and spooning can complicate them.

8. Don’t Expect Bells And Whistles

Don’t expect anything relationship-like from your friend with benefits, and don’t go out of your way to plan anything romantic, either. No fancy dinners, flowers, gifts or games. When you have a FWB, you’re having casual sex, and (maybe) some conversation—that’s it.

9. Understand That Your FWB Is Not Your Spouse

Again, this is a friendship, not a relationship! Leaving a change of clothes or a spare toothbrush at their place is highly discouraged, as is giving them grief if they have plans, a date, or have to cancel on you. Once you become a stage five clinger, the fun is done.

10. Don’t Introduce Your FWB to Your Parents

A FWB is supposed to be temporary. If your parents don’t already know your “friend,” don’t feel obligated to introduce them to your family or friends. You don’t want people in your life to start nagging you about “what’s going on with you guys?” do you?! I think not. Skip the drama and keep it on the down low.

11. Don’t Get Mad If They Meet Someone

Your FWB is not your partner. Just as you should be keeping your heart open to new relationships, they, too, are allowed to date, Raya stalk, or Hinge swipe anyone they please. If you find out your FWB is interested in someone else, that’s okay because they’re not cheating on you. You’re free to date anyone you want, too.

12. Don’t Leave The Bedroom

After a few nights of what’s hopefully amazing sex, don’t feel forced to start doing date-like things like going shopping together, seeing a movie, or—in Carrie Bradshaw’s case on “Sex and the City”—inviting them to dinner because you connect so well in the bedroom, you assume it’ll translate elsewhere. As Carrie learned with the less-than-scintillating McFadden: Keep your chemistry contained to the bedroom where it belongs. If you decide you both have stronger feelings, it’ll happen organically.

13. Know When To End It

All good things must come to an end, especially if you’re just not feeling it anymore. According to Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn, there are a few signs that your FWB relationship could be taking a turn for the worse:

• When one person is a taker and the other person is a giver all the time.
• When someone leaves the sexual encounter feeling “used.”
• When there’s conflict and argument that occurs regularly.
• When someone is being lied to.
• When you catch feelings or the other person does.
• When sex doesn’t feel good anymore.

If any of those apply, it’s time to bid adieu to the relationship.

14. Don’t Ghost Them

If you do decide you want to end things, you’ll want to offer open communication and closure. After all, you did spend time with–and perhaps developed a bit of a friendship with–this person. “Tell them that you appreciate the time you spent together and that they have amazing energy but this setup isn’t working for you and that you wish them the best,” Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn advises. “Basically the opposite of ghosting.”

Versions of this article were originally published in October 2018.