Why Do My Friends Never Love Me as Much as I Love Them?
Ask a Witch is StyleCaster’s advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to askawitch@stylecaster.com, along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
Why do I put so much effort into my friendships that somehow always goes unreciprocated?
As a generally introverted person, I’ve never had an easy time making friends. I feel like every friend I’ve really loved has eventually left my life. No matter how much effort I put into growing and sustaining meaningful friendships, I always feel like I fall short. When I put love and energy into a friendship, I yearn for reciprocated effort, but I’ve struggled with finding that reciprocation in every significant friendship in the last 10 years. How do I find/attract people who care for me as much as I care for them? Why is it so hard for me to find the type of relationship that I want so much?
Sincerely,
The Forgotten Friend
Dear Forgotten Friend,
I don’t normally say “I know how you feel,” because I think it’s mildly narcissistic to make assumptions about someone else’s experience and compare it to your own. But in your case, I must say… I know how you feel. I’ve struggled with the same feelings all my life, and while it doesn’t always get easier to deal with, it does get easier to understand and detach from it all.
Friendship is the be-all, end-all—something that songs, movies, books, and poetry hold on a pedestal above all things. To have a friend means that you are desired, accepted, supported, and appreciated. To be surrounded by a large group of friends automatically makes you appear like a better, more worthy person. It means you’re popular and someone worth trusting. Society looks at people who are loners with a wary eye, assuming their lack of friends means they’re shady or strange. These social expectations put pressure on the individual to bend themselves into a shape that fits within their social circle—to let go of the unique parts of themself in order to fit in.
The irony of it all? Those big groups of friends are often marked by fake smiles that mask a lot of ugly truths, like hidden jealousies, ongoing resentments, and plenty of talking behind each other’s backs. The loner that everyone feels distrustful toward? They’re really just minding their own business, making the very mature and self-alienating decision to prioritize their peace and authenticity. As my Pisces father would always say: “Friendship is overrated.” I used to think that was a bleak and pessimistic thing for him to say, but as I get older, the more I realize how right he is.
Still, humans are social creatures and a desire for connection is hard-wired into our brains. Because you’re an Aquarius, you crave it all the more. You were born under the fixed air sign of community, togetherness, and connectedness, which makes you highly curious about other people. So why has making and maintaining friendships been so difficult for you? Because your sun sign is always the tip of the iceberg, and to get to the truth, you need to dive into the shadowy depths of your birth chart.
It’s fascinating that making and maintaining friendships has been such a pain point for you, because working through these issues is literally what you came here to do. You were born with your North Node of Destiny in your 11th house of community and your South Node of Karma in your fifth house of the self-expression. People born with this alignment are likely to have a hard time feeling accepted by their flock, because being part of the flock does not always come naturally to them. This means that in past lives, you were always comfortable doing your own thing. In fact, you may have actively chosen to be alone in order to pursue your passions. However, you came here to unlearn your instinct to keep all your artistic genius to yourself. Instead of leaning on the comfort of independence and self-sustainment, you’re meant to experience the discomfort of risking rejection for the sake of love and connection. You’re meant to share the wealth of your creativity with others—to overcome the fear of being unwanted, because it’s the only way you’ll ever meet the people who truly appreciate you.
This is not to say you haven’t tried very, very hard to forge friendships that feel as idealized and technicolor as what you’ve seen on TV. You probably can’t help but think of friendship in terms of iconic, ride-or-die teams brought together by social causes—like Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger’s commitment to saving the world from Voldemort, for example. Like the Powerpuff Girls and their commitment to defeating Mojo Jojo. After all, you were born with your natal moon—ruler of your subconscious—in Leo, also situated in your 11th house of community and extended networks, which means feeling like you’re part of something larger than yourself is incredibly important to you—an idea you probably romanticize. In fact, feeling like you don’t fit in or belong somewhere might be your biggest insecurity. But let’s face it—if you can’t help but see friendship through rose-colored glasses, you’re bound to feel disappointed eventually.
One reason you’ve been feeling so let down by your friends is because you’re not willing to settle for something shallow or superficial. You were born with your natal Pluto—planet of dark truths and attachments—in your third house of friendship and day-to-day interactions, which means you crave passion, depth, and loyalty from your social encounters. You offer this type of friendship—the type that challenges people, changes people, and brings out their best self. It’s by no means a light-hearted experience for someone to get closer to you; it means they need to be willing to share their secrets and face their shadow. When people resist your efforts—probably because they’re not ready for the type of love you’re offering—it hurts. But it’s also not your fault. It takes a rare person to meet you on your level, because you demand a depth that not everyone is brave enough to withstand. Regardless, your natal Pluto is also conjunct Chiron—the wounded healer—which means you can probably remember every single time someone left you feeling rejected or misunderstood, no matter how much you try to forget. Your natal Venus is also sitting close to this Pluto-Chiron conjunction, emphasizing the way connection excites you just as much as it terrifies you.
You also came here to learn how to swim without sinking—to love without getting lost in the sauce. You were born with your natal Saturn—planet of karma, discipline, and limitations—in Venus-ruled Taurus, located in your eighth house of intimacy and emotional transactions. For you, being vulnerable and embracing trust with someone has definitely not been without its challenges. (I should know; I was also born with Saturn in my eighth house.) Throughout your life, you’ve protected yourself from harm by putting your guard up and building walls around your heart. You know that letting someone in can hurt you, but at the end of the day, it’s all you really want to do. You oscillate between wanting a deep connection and feeling the impulse to create distance in order to keep you safe. Learning to strike a healthy balance in your emotional exchanges will be a lesson you spend your whole life learning, and when your Saturn return begins in 2028, you will likely experience a breakthrough that shows you a new way to embrace connection.
Over the years, making and keeping friends will become easier and more effortless for you. Keep in mind that you’re in the middle of a transitional period in your life, and although your relationships may not be where you want them to be right now, a new chapter is beginning. Your birth chart shows that hope is not all lost, because your natal Jupiter—planet of luck and expansion—is in Aries, situated right on top of your descendant (a.k.a. your seventh house of partnerships), forming a trine with your Leo moon. This is incredibly auspicious—a sign that good fortune in love and friendship awaits. Not only is love planet Venus currently retrograding through Aries until mid-April—along with messenger Mercury as of March 14—but slow-moving outer planets like Neptune and Saturn are entering Aries within the next few months, where they’ll remain for years to come. This means partnership is in the process of becoming a central focus of your life. Right now, you’re simply healing the wounds that keep resurfacing, setting you up for a new beginning. Be patient, and you’ll get there.
During your lifetime, you will meet at least one person with whom you form an extremely deep and transformational bond, giving you everything you’ve been wanting and more. Chances are, you’ll meet several. The fact that you have Jupiter—planet of fortune—in your partnership sector is proof of that. One day, you will find that someone loves you just as much, if not more, than you love them. There’s no doubt about that.
Dreamily,
Roya
About Roya
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster’s Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she’s been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you’re a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you’ve probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya’s got you covered.
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